Play in the Rain

Today included quite a monumental event of the year for me. Today was the first big rain of 2011 that the weather was warm enough to comfortably stay outside! Since I'm a big fan of spring and rain and warm weather, I was pretty ecstatic. A friend and I decided to spend a portion of the afternoon just playing in the rain - walking around, splashing in puddles, and kicking rainwater at each other. We got some strange looks. We got some smiles and some laughs. By the end of our excursion, both of us were thoroughly soaked... and thoroughly satisfied.

I felt as if I were five years old again. There's something so simply refreshing about jumping in a big, newly-formed puddle of water. It's so basic. So innocent. So childish. Some of my favorite things in the world are "childish." Things such as:

• Swinging on swingsets
• Playing in the toy aisle of Walmart
• Strawberry milk
• Playing in the snow/rain
• Pigtails
• Blowing bubbles

Obviously I did not make an exhaustive list, but that would take much too long.  

I think that there's always a part of you that thinks you'll get to college or out into the real world and have to turn completely into a mature, respectable, knowledgeable adult that has no time for the "frivolities" of younger years. Show me the law on that. Why shouldn't you be able to indulge your inner child every now and then?

If anything, I have found that I spend more time doing childish things since beginning college than I did in high school. Quite often, high school becomes a place where the students try to achieve that ever-changing cool factor. I'm sure I was probably guilty of this myself. The unique thing I've found about university? People aren't really that afraid to look stupid. Where else would you be walking around and come upon a group of students with funny masks on, poking people with plastic swords? Where else would a slew of people turn a watery area of grass into a makeshift slip-n-slide out in the open? (Or for that matter, turn a dorm hallway into a makeshift slip-n-slide?) I have seen so many ridiculous things in my few short months here, and I've realized why. I don't see these things simply as ridiculous, but more often as ridiculously awesome! Why would you need to fear looking stupid when everyone around you is probably doing something just as outrageous?! 

One of my favorite things about college life thus far? Being able to do absurd things that I've always wanted to, without having to give a second thought to whether I will look ridiculous. 

Sure, there will always be those stick-in-the-mud types that will tell you that you're insane, but why let them spoil the fun? I think that everyone needs to take a chance every once in a while to do something that makes them feel like a kid again. Something that will remind them of the days of innocent, simplistic fun. 

So go ahead - play in the rain. Put extra sprinkles on your ice cream. Color a picture. Climb a tree. Play with legos. Do anything!! Just don't let your inhibitions get the better of you.

I'd give all wealth that years have piled,
The slow result of Life's decay,
To be once more a little child
For one bright summer day.
~Lewis Carroll, "Solitude"

12 Things

Sometimes I find myself with plenty of time to think.

However, I generally try not to spend that time deep in thought lately. It seems to me that whenever I have empty time to fill, I choose music-listening or drawing or writing or something else to distract me from my own mind. Tonight the distraction was working on a rather large paint-by-number piece that I bought and started a while back.

It's not that I dislike being introspective; I just feel like I've already spent an abnormally large amount of my life being introspective. I hate to admit it, but I almost constantly have an inner monologue running in my head. It's a bit ridiculous to be honest.

This, I've decided, is why I never go to bed at a reasonable time. I suppose you could call me an insomniac. If I attempt to sleep at a decent hour, I end up lying awake for hours thinking about anything and everything. It's nearly impossible to turn off my brain. Therefore, instead, I keep myself busy until I collapse. No, it's not a healthy habit. And yes, I wish I could fix it. But alas... I cannot.

Occasionally I give in and let my mind run wild.

I've been forced to learn a lot of things about life, myself, and other people in the last year or so. These are just a few of them (I apologize for the downers - just stick with me):

1. You will get hurt. It's inevitable. Someone will lie to you. Someone will abandon you. Someone will say something horrible about you or to you. Someone will break your heart. Someone will betray your trust. Someone will disappoint you. Someone will not be the person you thought they were. Someone will tell you something about yourself that is excruciating but true. Maybe all of the above will happen to you. Maybe none of the above - but it will be something... just wait. 
2. You can get over it. No matter how bad it seems at the time. But it does take time.
3. It just might rear its ugly head again. You might change because of it. Just when you think all the side-effects are gone, you may find that you're wrong. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe it's a lesson that you just had to learn the hard way. Maybe it's made you into the person you were meant to be - or at least pushed you in the right direction. We all have our scars.
4. I'm a terribly insecure person, no matter how much I tell myself that I'm not. Perhaps that is my scar. (At least one of them.)
5. Trust carefully. Don't give out your trust willy-nilly. It's something that must be earned. But don't be so afraid to trust that you're incredibly stingy with it either. Sometimes letting your guard down around people is worth it.
6. Just when you think all is finally well..... watch your step. As soon as you get over-confident and take your eyes off of your path - that is when it will become rocky and overgrown again. That doesn't mean you have to stumble though. It simply means that you must pause a moment, regain your composure, and proceed with caution...
7. We all fall down sometimes. But what use is it to stay down and sulk on the ground? Where will that get you? Always get back up and dust yourself off. Keep moving forward.
8. Forgive. It seems like such a simple thing, yet it's usually the hardest to actually do. When we mess up or wrong someone and are genuinely sorry, we always want immediate forgiveness. Why can't they see how remorseful I am? I've apologized and done all I can to make it right. Would you forgive you? If roles had been switched, how quick would you be to wipe the slate clean? Always remember that the other person is just as human as you are. Forgive them when they wrong you. Even when they don't apologize. Be the bigger person. Part of remembering they're human is also allowing them time to forgive you for your mistakes. I know firsthand that forgiving can be painful, complicated, and just plain difficult. But I also know firsthand that when you do, it's like a weight lifted from your shoulders. It doesn't always magically make everything go back to normal, but it does help.
9. Something I learned from the above point... first is one of those words that starts to lose meaning if you say it too much! (Had to throw a lighthearted point in here!) But seriously, say it a few times. You'll see what I mean.
10. Things that have little effect on someone else might eat at you to no end. Maybe it's because of that "scar" of yours. People will not always understand - in fact, they rarely will - that's okay. 
11. Change will happen. So many things in my own life have changed and changed again since 2009. Some change seems good. Some change seems bad. All change is CHANGE! Don't hold on too tightly to the past. You might miss out on something amazing. "If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living." -Gail Sheehy
12. You'll know your true friends when you find them. They're the ones that let you cry on their shoulder, even if they're wearing their favorite shirt. They're the ones that will simply sit with you in awkward silence because they don't know what to say... but it won't be awkward. They're the ones that will force you to eat something and try their best to get your spirits up when you've just had your heart broken. They're the ones that you don't feel forced to hold a conversation with at all times - you can just be with them and enjoy each other's company. They're the ones you can trust with your most personal secrets and thoughts without thinking twice about whether or not they'll betray that trust. They're the ones you can act like a complete idiot around - dance like a fool, sing into a hairbrush, play with children's toys, etc. I've discovered them, and I hope I never ever lose them.

This is where I planned to add a conclusion. But for those of you that managed to stick around through this lengthy post, I'll just leave this quote that I enjoy:

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs;

ask yourself what makes you come alive.

And then go and do that.

Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

—-Harold Whitman

Fin.

Motivation is like an "A" in Biology...

... I don't have it. And my poor grade in Biology is probably in part because of my lack of motivation. I'm a psychology major, and while I absolutely love learning about psych-related things, all of these unrelated gen eds are killing me. Especially my principles of Biology class - not only do I despise most of the content in the class, but it's also at 8:00 a.m. three days a week. (Need I say that I've missed several classes?) Granted, my grade in the class is not quite as low as I anticipated it would be, but it's still lower than I'd like. And then of course, there is my composition class, which is simply ridiculous. Ask me why - I dare you. You may get an ear-full.

Lately, I've had very little motivation to do any of my coursework until the night or so before it's due. (Currently, I am procrastinating a psychology paper critique that's due tomorrow at 3:00.) Luckily, I've seemed to eventually get it all finished, if only in the nick of time. With all of the new social and other opportunities presented in college, it's hard to keep focused on schoolwork when necessary. My last post was about how important it is to take time to step back and do little things for yourself to relax, so this may seem a bit contradictory. But I've learned (and yet, not completely practiced) that it's really all about balance.

There's a balance between schoolwork and social time, procrastinating and over-achieving, doing nothing and doing everything you want to do. Eventually, I'll hopefully find a happy medium, but for now it feels like babysitting multiple new kids for the first time. They're all different ages and need different amounts of attention and care. You try to sit with one and color, and realize the others won't sit still. Then before you know it, you're chasing them all down, trying to get them under control. Even when you get them semi-calmed down for lunch, you have to check and re-check what they're allowed to have. You don't take breaks, save a nap or two when you still must be aware - just like college: you have a few weeks off during the year, although you still have to keep up with your assignments. Maybe that metaphor was a stretch, but at this point I'm burnt out enough to not care.

What things have been the hardest for you to balance lately?

Ah well, we're making memories I suppose. And I just know they will be amazing ones.
Lord willing.

Relax, take it easy

Step one - make a playlist of mellow songs to fit the setting. Step two - put on some warm clothes. Step three - combine the previously stated steps with a cold night and a lake begging to be walked around and sat by. Relaxing around Cedar Lake at night is probably one of the most cathartic things I've done in a while. It was a simple thing I figured I could do for myself after a long (albeit, for once, enjoyable) day. What a good way to get out of the dorm, away from the computer, far from responsibilities, and out in the fresh air.

I think that sometimes we forget to do little things for ourselves. Especially those of us in college. (Yes, I know that there are tons of men and women that have jobs, families, bills, and responsibilities bigger than ours.... but give us a little credit - we're new to this whole "being an adult" thing.) We can get so wrapped up in trying to balance our 16/17 credit hours, heaps of papers, organizations we've joined, extra-curriculars, social lives, relationships, jobs, etc. Too often, we may even neglect to throw sleep into the mix. (For example - I'm writing this at 1:00 in the morning!) I think it's necessary and healthy to stop, take a breath, and just back off from time to time. Back off from whatever it is that's causing you stress and worry. Now, I'm not saying neglect your commitments and responsibilities and let them fall by the wayside. That's just as bad as the counter-option of taking on too much and stressing to balance it all! But every once in a while, take a few minutes or hours of a day and do something for yourself.

• Take a walk.
• Listen to your favorite songs.
• Call a best friend, family member, or someone you haven't talked to in a while.
• Splurge on a favorite treat.
• Take a comforting nap.
• Watch a really good movie.
• Go for a run to clear your head.
• Make a video - on your own or with some friends.
• Take some pictures.
• Read a classic book... or just some really good fiction.
• Catch up on your favorite show - that's what Hulu is for.
• Knit something.
• Doodle.
• Write some poetry.

Or do anything else that makes you happy. Anything will do.
Just take time for YOU. It won't make you selfish. What it will do is keeping you from losing your marbles.

"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting."
-William Shakespeare

Home

"Another aeroplane, another sunny place, I’m lucky I know, but I wanna go home." -Michael Buble

This is how I've been feeling quite a bit lately. While I love my university and the people I've met there, I've been feeling terribly homesick for weeks. Taking six classes, including ones at 8 a.m., was probably a bad idea. Especially considering how late I end up staying up (whether as a result of homework or insomnia) and how busy most of my days seem to be. I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed trying to balance everything in my life lately, and I just wanted to come home, relax, and not worry about college things (even though I had to bring every single textbook home with me).

My dumb anxiety has been getting the better of me again. I don't know how I'm going to feel on Sunday when I have to drive back to Ohio. Don't get me wrong, I miss my friends at Cedarville a lot, and I'm super excited for all of the things we have planned, but I wish I could stay here at home a little bit longer. I've missed my family more than I ever thought I could. And I am beyond excited to see my best friends this weekend. Not to mention that it's going to be awesome going to my own church Sunday morning.

I guess we'll see how things go in the future. Until then, I'll have to just trust that God knows what He's doing. He always does. 

So until next time... 

Quieres gritar?

While deciding on a title for my new blog, a few clever things came to mind, as they quite often tend to. However, also as normal, I was listening to my iTunes on shuffle at the time. "Dificil" by Juanes started playing, and one of the powerful, held-out lines is simply, "...Y quiero gritar." For those of you who may not remember much from that high school Spanish class, or, like myself, simply weren't taught much in high school besides how to ask where the bathroom is... (Thank God for Washtenaw's language classes!) ...the lyric is Spanish for "and I want to scream."

Now, why would you want to name your blog "I want to scream"?
I thought it fitting, because there really are so many times that I feel the need to let out a scream from the depths of my soul. I feel that the majority of times I remember most vividly would have been so appropriately accompanied by crying out in such a way. And, at least in my mind, they were.

For example, this afternoon, I was listening to "Come What May" and "Your Song" from Moulin Rouge. There are parts in both of those songs where you can hear the intense passion in Ewan McGregor's voice - one that just cannot be matched. During those times, I simply wanted to scream. I've always felt songs. When they're passionate and filled with emotion, I can't help but be overtaken by them. I could hardly hold in the pure rapture I felt. Similarly, whenever something happens in my life that brings me unadulterated joy, I don't want to hold it in. Were it not for the expectation of tact from others, perhaps I wouldn't even try.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there seems to be even more of an abundance of painful events in life. Those times when I want to break down and cry. Those times when not only does my heart ache, but along with it, my entire being. Those times when I want to curl up under the blankets on my bed and shut myself off from the world. Those are also the times I want to scream. Out of anguish. Out of sorrow. Out of pain. Out of anger.

Therefore, I decided on Quiero Gritar. Love it or hate it, second thoughts or not, that is what it will remain. I'm often told that it's best to hold to first instincts, not that I'm very good at taking advice. But perhaps I can scream vicariously through this blog.


Until we meet again...

Here goes nothing

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33 (NIV)

Sometimes, it's hard to keep these words in mind. It's so easy to get caught up in the hardships and predicaments of life, never stopping to think of the One who is in control of them all.

Personally, especially as of late, I've been having a difficult time having peace. Seems like a strange thing to be struggling with, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

In this world we will have trouble.  We are not promised an easy life, even when following God. I would even venture to say "especially when following God." Trials are put in our life sometimes to test us. But sometimes, it's Satan attacking. His goal is to push us away from God and make Christianity look awful, so it's no wonder he attacks Christians so much. What a success it would be for him to persuade a G0d-follower to abandon his beliefs, or at least question his God. And what more for him to push Christians so far that they behave ungodly, and therefore make unbelievers uninterested in Christianity. 

But take heart! HE has overcome the world. While Jesus was on earth, He faced just as much crap as we go through. The difference was that He handled everything in a godly way, because, well, He IS God. He endured much more than most of us will ever have to deal with in our lifetimes. He has and will continue to overcome wickedness and pain. We can have peace, because He is the peace-giver. He is on His throne. And He loves us more than we could even imagine. 

All too often, I'm anxious. I worry. I don't trust God fully with the problems in my life. I'm almost as far as you could get from perfect, but He loves me and blesses me beyond my comprehension. What would make the King of all creation love a pathetic thing like myself? I'm not sure, but I thank Him every day that He does.

I decided to create this blog because A) I love blogging. B) I wanted to start a more in-depth blog than my Tumblr blog. And C) Maybe someone could get something out of at least one of my future posts. Maybe some comfort. Maybe a new perspective. Maybe a laugh.

I'm not sure exactly what may turn up in this blog, but I'm sure it will be quite the adventure.