Sometimes I find myself with plenty of time to think.
However, I generally try not to spend that time deep in thought lately. It seems to me that whenever I have empty time to fill, I choose music-listening or drawing or writing or something else to distract me from my own mind. Tonight the distraction was working on a rather large paint-by-number piece that I bought and started a while back.
It's not that I dislike being introspective; I just feel like I've already spent an abnormally large amount of my life being introspective. I hate to admit it, but I almost constantly have an inner monologue running in my head. It's a bit ridiculous to be honest.
This, I've decided, is why I never go to bed at a reasonable time. I suppose you could call me an insomniac. If I attempt to sleep at a decent hour, I end up lying awake for hours thinking about anything and everything. It's nearly impossible to turn off my brain. Therefore, instead, I keep myself busy until I collapse. No, it's not a healthy habit. And yes, I wish I could fix it. But alas... I cannot.
Occasionally I give in and let my mind run wild.
I've been forced to learn a lot of things about life, myself, and other people in the last year or so. These are just a few of them (I apologize for the downers - just stick with me):
- You will get hurt. It's inevitable. Someone will lie to you. Someone will abandon you. Someone will say something horrible about you or to you. Someone will break your heart. Someone will betray your trust. Someone will disappoint you. Someone will not be the person you thought they were. Someone will tell you something about yourself that is excruciating but true. Maybe all of the above will happen to you. Maybe none of the above - but it will be something... just wait.
- You can get over it. No matter how bad it seems at the time. But it does take time.
- It just might rear its ugly head again. You might change because of it. Just when you think all the side-effects are gone, you may find that you're wrong. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe it's a lesson that you just had to learn the hard way. Maybe it's made you into the person you were meant to be - or at least pushed you in the right direction. We all have our scars.
- I'm a terribly insecure person, no matter how much I tell myself that I'm not. Perhaps that is my scar. (At least one of them.)
- Trust carefully. Don't give out your trust willy-nilly. It's something that must be earned. But don't be so afraid to trust that you're incredibly stingy with it either. Sometimes letting your guard down around people is worth it.
- Just when you think all is finally well..... watch your step. As soon as you get over-confident and take your eyes off of your path - that is when it will become rocky and overgrown again. That doesn't mean you have to stumble though. It simply means that you must pause a moment, regain your composure, and proceed with caution...
- We all fall down sometimes. But what use is it to stay down and sulk on the ground? Where will that get you? Always get back up and dust yourself off. Keep moving forward.
- Forgive. It seems like such a simple thing, yet it's usually the hardest to actually do. When we mess up or wrong someone and are genuinely sorry, we always want immediate forgiveness. Why can't they see how remorseful I am? I've apologized and done all I can to make it right. Would you forgive you? If roles had been switched, how quick would you be to wipe the slate clean? Always remember that the other person is just as human as you are. Forgive them when they wrong you. Even when they don't apologize. Be the bigger person. Part of remembering they're human is also allowing them time to forgive you for your mistakes. I know firsthand that forgiving can be painful, complicated, and just plain difficult. But I also know firsthand that when you do, it's like a weight lifted from your shoulders. It doesn't always magically make everything go back to normal, but it does help.
- Something I learned from the above point... first is one of those words that starts to lose meaning if you say it too much! (Had to throw a lighthearted point in here!) But seriously, say it a few times. You'll see what I mean.
- Things that have little effect on someone else might eat at you to no end. Maybe it's because of that "scar" of yours. People will not always understand - in fact, they rarely will - that's okay.
- Change will happen. So many things in my own life have changed and changed again since 2009. Some change seems good. Some change seems bad. All change is CHANGE! Don't hold on too tightly to the past. You might miss out on something amazing. "If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living." -Gail Sheehy
- You'll know your true friends when you find them. They're the ones that let you cry on their shoulder, even if they're wearing their favorite shirt. They're the ones that will simply sit with you in awkward silence because they don't know what to say... but it won't be awkward. They're the ones that will force you to eat something and try their best to get your spirits up when you've just had your heart broken. They're the ones that you don't feel forced to hold a conversation with at all times - you can just be with them and enjoy each other's company. They're the ones you can trust with your most personal secrets and thoughts without thinking twice about whether or not they'll betray that trust. They're the ones you can act like a complete idiot around - dance like a fool, sing into a hairbrush, play with children's toys, etc. I've discovered them, and I hope I never ever lose them.
This is where I planned to add a conclusion. But for those of you that managed to stick around through this lengthy post, I'll just leave this quote that I enjoy:
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
—-Harold Whitman
Fin.
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